|Children (mine) at risk|
Pretty weak, wouldn't you say?
Here at Pure Fun we suspect that Lily is no fool. Lily understands that the trampoline could not be assembled while the ground was still covered with snow, but by now she knows you're stalling. You have failed to deliver on the sacred promise of birthday magic. Small wonder she doubts your credibility and competence as parents.
We've seen this before at Pure Fun. Our trampoline arrives in a 400-pound box containing hundreds of pieces. Then it sits in the garage unopened for months. In time all manner of items are piled upon it: bike helmets, tools, clothing, trash. The huge box is an annoyance and an eyesore, but that beats trying to assemble the Pure Fun trampoline, or so you tell yourself.
But you're so wrong. Fact is, the Pure Fun trampoline is easy and fun to assemble, particularly on the most sweltering day of the year when you're already pissed off because your wireless Internet connection isn't working. Just follow these steps:
Step A: Open box. Remove all parts. Make sure there are no missing parts. (Note: There are too many parts to determine if any are missing.) Form a human chain to transport pieces to backyard for set-up.
Step: B: DO NOT OPEN BOX. First, talk to Lily to determine if she still wants a trampoline. Probably she does. But it's worth a shot.
Step C: Fit the long curved metal tubes together until they click into place. Use a rubber mallet to bang fingers into correct position.
Step D: Nice work, Jackass. Did you not see the yellow warning sticker telling you the tubes must face the other direction? Pull apart all incorrectly positioned tubes. When tubes will not easily separate, yell at children that you need a giant glass of ice water. Glare at spouse even though she has done nothing wrong ... except order the Pure Fun trampoline. Dislike self.
Step E: Fit custom-bent metal stancion tubes (legs) to frame. Perfect. Except why didn't you assemble the frame-leg units in seperate sections first and then fit them all together? It would have been so much easier that way. Does Pure Fun have to hold your hand every f*&^%ing step of the way?
WARNING: DO NOT EAT THE TRAMPOLINE. DO NOT USE ON ACTIVE RUNWAY.
Step E: Your Pure Fun trampoline comes with 1,088 metal springs. Each of these springs must be attached to the 1,088 triangular clips at the edge of the trampoline mat. Then each spring must be pulled tight and its opposite end inserted into the metal trampoline frame. This will cause the trampoline fabric to stretch tigheter than Sly Stallone's face. The force of the trampoline tension will make it impossible for you to attach the remaining 15 or so springs. At this point Leigh -- who has placed herself in charge of reading the directions -- should exclaim, "I think we did this wrong."
Diagram for Step E: (^() >>>()*(*^
#I// }} ^Z _---_---_ ____
STEP F: Using the provided tool this time, reattach metal springs to trampoline in alternating pattern: First 12 o'clock and 6 o'clock. Then 3 o'clock and 9 'o'clock. And so on. Keep in mind that had you read the instructions BEFORE you attempted assembly -- as we recommended -- it would not matter that this critical tip does not appear until the following page .... when it's too late because you've already attached the springs in the wrong order.
WARNING: YOU ARE AN IDIOT.
Step G: Cut triangular metal attachment clips with a bolt cutter to loosen trampoline mat tension to liberate stuck metal springs. Replace destroyed triangle clips with S clips even though they are less secure. Shrug. If safety were your primary concern, you wouldn't own a trampoline, right?
STEP H: Reattach trampoline mat to frame in the correct order. Watch Lily and her sister Miranda bounce joyously and do flips. Feel ashamed for begrudging your children their happiness. This shows your Pure Fun trampoline is operating correctly.
DANGER: NEVER DO FLIPS ON THE PURE FUN TRAMPOLINE. NEVER ALLOW MORE THAN ONE PERSON AT A TIME ON TRAMPOLINE (EVEN THOUGH OUR PHOTOS SHOW OTHERWISE). NEVER -- NEVER!! -- USE WITHOUT MESH SAFETY NET!!!!!!!
STEP H: Experience apprehension because you have not installed the mesh safety net -- and you know you probably never will.
STEP I: Enjoy! The Pure Fun trampoline is fun for children and adults. Except you.
Weight Limit: 250 pounds.