The awards lunch that never happened

A last bit of bookkeeping from my previous gig. The column below was scheduled to run in a certain Syracuse daily on April 4.  An editor, or possibly editors, killed it the night before, and no one told me (the writer), leading to my resignation. There were a couple of versions of the column but here's the one that should have -- and could have -- run. 

They’ll be honored at a luncheon for making Central New York a better place. The eight 2011 Post-Standard Achievement Award winners are an impressive bunch. But what about the other end of the spectrum? 

So as not to overlook them, I’m hosting a ceremony, too. The Jeff Kramer Human Train Wreck Awards will be at noon at the DeWitt Arby’s on Erie Boulevard on April 28, the day after the Post-Standard event.  If you’re on the guest list (see below), lunch is on me, provided you show valid photo I.D. (Your own, not someone else’s.) 

Meet the winners:

Rose Thigpen-Grant -- The Syracuse woman was charged with child endangerment for allegedly leaving her 6-year-old grandson in the car in while she gambled at a Westchester County casino. Temperatures at the time were below 20 degrees.  Thigpen-Grant, 53, allegedly fled when she returned to the vehicle and saw the cops. It’s unfair and even dangerous to ban minors from casinos. This case shows the risks of not opening gaming floors to kids of all ages.

Tammy M. Parson -- This one’s more toward Rochester, but so what; Sometimes you have to recruit out of your own backyard. In January police busted Parson, of Macedon, accusing her of going door-to-door in the Seneca and Ontario County area taking pie orders  (and cash) on the pretense of raising money for schools. No one got pie. No one. Does it get any lower than that?

Brigid Corcoran -- Yes, it does get lower. This Syracuse resident was arraigned for allegedly faking cancer and holding a fundraiser in Cicero to help pay her medical bills. You can donate to her legal fund by sending a text message “YES, SATAN, I WANT TO HELP YOUR NEW BRIDE” to 666.

Granby Walmart -- Management could have shown mercy when a 23-year-old male tried to shoplift a flower arrangement on Valentine’s Day. It could have let the reprobate Romeo off with a warning and got back to destroying the middle class.  Instead, Walmart called the cops. Apparently Walmart isn’t big on romance, which might explain why female  Walmart managers earned $14,500 less in 2001 than their male counterparts. Who’s the real criminal here? Cupid weeps.

Jordan-Elbridge School Board -- From bolting its own meeting to making a mockery of open government, these guys somehow make Albany look like Switzerland. The Jackass movies can’t touch this.

Mark-Paul Serafin -- He’s been accused, twice, of stealing other people’s recyclables. He was a suspect in the theft of sausage from the Manlius Fire Dept. He also got caught collecting a tax break he didn’t deserve. It sounds like we’re talking about some homeless guy on Marshall Street, but we’re talking about the mayor of one of the most prosperous municipalities in Central New York. Can someone talk to this guy? We’re at a critical moment in the region’s evolution. The lady bowlers are in town. Everyone needs to back off the Dumpster diving for a few weeks and look sharp.

Kriss A. Whitney -- Even by North Country standards, Witney raised the bar on antisocial behavior. The Watertown man crashed a stolen pickup into a Lewis County Bar last month. Then he poured himself a white Russian before leading police on a two-county chase that ended when he rear-ended a state police car. Allegedly. Look, I’m as forgiving as the next guy, but a white Russian? Seriously? Why not just order a Dunkin’ Donuts Coolatta, go home and watch “When Harry Met Sally”? For all my rampage needs, Kriss, I choose straight tequila.

Anthony Jamison -- You’ve just robbed a taxi driver of $105. Quick! What’s your get-away plan? For Anthony, it consisted of trekking through heavy snow (leaving incriminating footprints), entering a home and hiding under a sobbing woman. Anthony's now in prison, so no Arby’s  luncheon for him, but I can always send a gift certificate. I wonder who he’s hiding under these days.